


Deep Down to the Veins and Valves

by TenTomatoes



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, but its only angsty because Garak is sad and hurt, luckily Bashir is a doctor, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 02:25:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10526913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenTomatoes/pseuds/TenTomatoes
Summary: It was too kind to say his heart was broken. His heart was destroyed. It was an abomination.An AU where metaphorical heartbreak shows up on a physical heart and the only way to fix the hurt is through something Garak has never had before, love.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Some small things about this AU that I was making up as I went along to help make it more understandable:  
> \- People's hearts are hurt by unrequited love (romantic, familial, and platonic) or when they feel guilt over their actions  
> \- Requited love and acceptance (from others or yourself) can help heal a heart  
> \- It was inspired by the song Novacaine by Amber Rubarth  
> \- Garak was born with a broken heart because of Tain's immediate rejection
> 
> Also: a playlist I made with songs that I listened to while writing it https://playmoss.com/en/renee/playlist/veins-and-chambers

The story goes, there was a boy whose heart was as pure as any. It was lovely and smooth, pink like satin, with delicate veins and strong arteries, and a beat like the drums of an ancient chant. It was as perfect as a heart could be but it would not remain so for long.

He was an unlucky boy for his first scar came too young and was too deep, down to the chambers and valves, bloody and impossible to stitch. The pain welled in his throat like blood and screamed with every beat.

The boy knew what needed to heal his heart and make it pretty and lovely, for that was all he wanted, to be whole again.

So the boy went to the man who had hurt his heart and begged.

“Please,” he asked. “Won’t you fix my heart?”

“Of course,” the man said. “If only you’ll do this task for me, your heart will be as smooth as satin.”

The boy did the task but when he was done he found his heart had gotten worse. The blood had turned thick and dark and the pain only became more.

The boy went back to the man and begged,

“Please. Won’t you fix my heart?”

“Of course,” the man said. “If only you’ll do this task for me your heart will be as steady as a drum.”

The boy did the task, and the task after that, and he did everything the man told him to do but the man never healed his heart. His skin turned tough, the beats became sickly, the cuts infected, and the pain unbearable.

The boy became a man whose heart was nothing more than sludge and agony. He knew what he needed to heal his heart but the boy was no longer a boy and he knew it was impossible to get.

So the man locked away the atrocity that was his heart where not even he could see it, practiced a smile, and suffered.

  

\-----

 

Garak could see the lingering bitterness held in the twist of Julian’s lips and guilt welled up in Garak’s chest. It was so much harder to ignore it now that the implant was gone. Everything was much harder to ignore. The lights, the cold, the pretty dip of Julian’s shoulders. He tried to remind himself that he had lived like this before, he had survived before and he would survive now, but he had to relearn what it was like to be in pain every moment of his life.

Julian’s hand tightened around his spoon and Garak was struck with an urge he had never felt. Before he even had the chance to tell himself it was a bad idea, he was clearing his throat, delicately, perhaps nervously if he were the type of person to do things nervously.

Julian’s attention centered wholly on Garak in a way that made him want to weep, those brown eyes, intense and caring even in their anger. Everything was too much.

“My dear doctor, there is something I’d like to share with you,” Garak said.

“What is it?” Julian asked skeptically.

“An explanation I suppose.”

Garak reached in and, before fear and shame could stop him, for the first time in a decade Garak removed his heart.

He watched Julian’s face rather than look down at his heart. He remembered how it looked years ago and he was sure it had only worsened since then, he wasn’t sure he wanted to see it. 

Julian was a trained doctor, though this was often forgotten by most in sight of his soft eyes and wide smile. Confusion passed over his face before it settled into a neutral mask when he realized what he was seeing. Julian was a trained doctor, a _good_ doctor, a good man, but even he couldn’t keep the sheer horror from bleeding into his eyes.

It was a disgusting little thing. It beat weakly and sickly, pauses between beats just long enough to fear that the next beat would never come. It was dark and coagulated, pushing too thick black blood through leaking veins. Chunks viciously ripped out, leaving chambers exposed. Scars cross hatched along the surface, clearly healed wrong and still infected.

One wouldn’t need to be a doctor to be able to imagine the pain each stuttering beat would bring a person. It would be like poison in one’s veins, burning, corroding, but never killing. Each scar ached with every beat, reliving, remembering.           

It was too kind to say his heart was broken. His heart was destroyed. It was an abomination.

Garak smile bitterly at the pain that was in Julian’s eyes. He saw his hands move as though to reach out but Garak quickly folded his heart back in his chest, where it was not safe but it was hidden. Julian’s shoulders were shaking as he stared wide eyed at Garak’s face.

“An explanation,” Garak said again.

“Garak.” Julian’s face settled firmly, melancholic and resolved, before he sighed and leaned back. Garak could see the questions burning under his skin, his doctoral need to diagnose, to help, to fix. A knot loosened in Garak’s chest when he saw Julian push it down. This man was truly too wonderful. It made Garak’s disgusting heart ache in a way that was almost worse than his every day pain.    

Garak smiled tightly.

Too much.

 

\-----

 

They say augments have perfect hearts without scars or tears or stutters. They say they beat on a perfect rhythm, strong and hardy till the day they die.

There are those who say this means augments feel no guilt.

There are those who say this means augments feel no love.

There is no one who argues against this.

 

\-----

 

There was something on his doctor’s mind. Garak could see the worry radiate off him in waves, thick and anxious. It almost reminded him of their first meeting so long ago. How wide eyed Julian had been then, so desperate and nervous. Who could have dreamed that such an intelligent man had been hidden behind the stuttering and unsubtlety?

“And truly the fact he wasn’t executed immediately along with his entire family was the biggest flaw this book had,” Garak said and smiled widely.

When Julian simply nodded along, Garak dropped his smile and leaned forward.

“Why doctor, there seems to be something on your mind? Anything I could help with.”

Julian looked startled before he smiled at him sheepishly, his cheeks warm and head dipped.

“I don’t want to over step,” he started.

Garak narrowed his eyes, there was nothing Julian loved more than over stepping the boundaries people put up.

Julian pulled out a bottle filled with a red liquid and placed it gently on the table. His head was still ducked but he met Garak’s eyes through his lashes, it was an oddly shy pose for brash Julian.

“This is an old Earth remedy. For your heart. I was hoping you’d take it, maybe it’ll help ease the pain.”

It was sweet and Garak wished that he could hate this wonderful man in front of him. There was only one thing that could help his heart and it was impossible for Julian to give him that, he must have known that. But Julian was looking at him so hopefully, almost desperately, and Garak cursed the fact he was becoming so soft. He didn’t think he could refuse Julian anything if he turned those pleading eyes on him.

Garak picked up the bottle and swirled it thoughtfully.

“My dear, I can’t thank you enough,” Garak lied through his teeth.

It was worth it to see Julian relax and beam at him.

“What exactly is it?” Garak asked.

“It’s an extremely old earth recipe made with herbs and spices. It’s odd, used back when medicine was primitive but it’s said to work. It’s simple basil, nutmeg, caraway, chai, and epazote.”

Garak appreciated Julian’s clinical listing of all the ingredients but it made him even more weary. Julian loved what he called home remedies, raving about the history and development of primitive medicines and tonics. But Julian, for all his admiration, never prescribed or even suggested such treatments, favoring his own federation medicines. The red vial made the part of Garak’s brain that allowed him to climb through the ranks of the Obsidian Order itch. It didn’t seem right.    

As if knowing his doubts, Julian turned his pleading eyes back to him.

“Please, just try it once a day for a week.”

Garak folded like a house of cards. He cursed Julian and his charming grin and his hopeful eyes. He was going to lead him to death, Garak’s heart couldn’t take much more.

He tucked the vial away into his pocket and sent Julian as soft a smile as he could, hoping it didn’t reveal how his gesture caused his heart to flare.

“Now, back to _How the Tree Falls_ , I was just saying how it was amazing he wasn’t executed.”

Julian huffed in annoyance as Garak had hoped he would and launched into an over enthusiastic criticism of the Rengolen justice system. Garak tried to push Julian’s gift out of his mind but the vial sat heavy in his pocket, burning.

He wondered if Julian knew how cruel he was being by gifting him this.

 

\-----

 

Garak was a quick learner, to be slow would mean death and worse unacceptance. Every lesson Tain threw at him he absorbed and picked apart and studied till it rested comfortably in his worn bag of tricks, ready to be grabbed when needed. The lessons kept him alive, even as they insidiously crept through his heart dissolving it like acid.   

There were two lessons that Tain repeated like a mantra, over and over, until Garak heard them in his dreams.

Trust no one. Care for no one.

Garak only managed to learn one and that was his down fall. 

 

\-----

 

The vial sat innocently on Garak’s table. It was nothing but a bottle of herbs and tea, yet it had managed to shake Garak in a way he hadn’t felt in years. A part of him felt warmed at the thought Julian cared enough to worry about his well-being but it was overwhelmed by the fear of pain the vial was sure to bring. 

“Computer, analyze for liquid components.”

He almost sighed in relief when the computer listed off the same herbs and spices Julian had told him and nothing more. There was a part of him that yearned to trust Julian implicitly but it was drowned by Tain’s voice, his mantra still sneaking into his dreams.

“Computer, Earth heart medicines with the previous components.”

“There are no results,” the computer told him after a moment.

Garak frowned once more, picking up the vial and swirling the contents, he watched some of the herbs float to the top and settle down again. This was a situation he had never expected. He was sure the doctor wouldn’t give him something to harm him, but there was still the fact this mixture could, _would_ , do nothing for him. 

He briefly entertained the idea of throwing it away and telling the good doctor it had worked wonderfully, but he doubted Julian would take Garak’s word for it. He was particularly stubborn with matters concerning Garak’s health.

Perhaps he should stop acting like a child and return the vial to Julian without being overcome by some pretty brown eyes and a hopeful smile.

Garak huffed bitterly and denied that with the previous one. 

He didn’t know why he was pretending, he knew exactly what he was going to do the moment he tucked it in his pocket. He was going to use it as directed and sorrowfully tell Julian that it didn’t quite work very sorry my dear but thank you for trying.

Julian would never know how much pain he was bringing Garak by offering this treatment. He was torn between what was more painful: the impossible hope that it would work and Julian, sweet Julian, felt as Garak did or the absolute knowledge it would never happen. He was angry, at himself mostly but admittedly also at Julian, for torturing him with this false hope. The doctor couldn’t let an old broken Cardassian alone with his heartsickness and pain, he had to _help_. Garak grimaced. That disgusting little federation trait.     

Garak took a deep breath and removed his heart from his chest. It was as foul as it had been when he had seen it last. Garak gave it a slight tisk, peering at it with a rather clinical disassociation. Best do this quick so he could lock this abomination back where it belonged.

The bottle’s cap came off with a loud pop, jarring in the silence. Garak steadied himself before pouring a few drops onto the sluggishly beating heart. He watched as it slid through the holes and cracks, mixing with the blood. Everywhere it touched it left a cool kiss, soothing like a burn salve, but it was brief and fleeting.

“Well,” he muttered to himself. “Seems like it didn’t kill me.”

He shook a few more drops onto his heart taking pleasure in the moments of coolness before it disappeared among the normal burning. If nothing else, at least Julian had given him a moment of relief. He placed his heart back in his chest, capped the bottle off, and left it sitting on his table.

This was what he had expected, he thought to himself, he had prepared for failure. Garak ignored the way his shoulders shook and closed his eyes, the sight of the small mocking bottle too much. He wasn’t surprised, it was absurd how he was feeling.

But that always had been his problem, hadn’t it, no matter how terribly easy it was to not, he had always cared to much.  

Garak passed a hand over his face and forced his lips up into his normal smile. He had a week before he could take it back to Julian and pretend to be shocked by its failure. 

 

\-----

 

The story goes, there was a man who became a monster whose heart beat poison and reeked of dying flesh.

The monster knew what he needed to fix his heart but he had long stopped believing he would find it. So the monster locked his heart away, practiced a smile, and suffered.

The monster met a man who was more lovely and beautiful than all the stars in the sky and jewels in the earth. One day the monster made the same mistake he had made many times before: he began to care. And though the monster had hidden his heart for so many years he found himself falling deeply in love with the man. However, the monster was not a man and no man would ever love a monster.

 It was this last love, stronger than any he had ever felt before, that took the poor monster’s heart and killed it.

 

\-----

 

For all of Julian’s grumbling, Garak was a perfect patient. He used the medicine as Julian had directed, every night pouring it over his heart and allowing the coolness to sooth him for its brief moment. By the third day Garak wondered if that’s all Julian had expected it to do, give him a second of relief and ease him back into sufferings arms, but he couldn’t believe the doctor would settle for such low ambitions.

Garak thought it would get easier knowing, finally and completely, that Julian would never be able to help his heart. Yet, each time he heard the cap pop, he felt a surge of hope strike his beaten heart. It made him more angry at his heart than anything else, couldn’t the old thing finally give up. How much pain did it desire to give him before it learn it’s lesson and stopped? Each day he pushed down the hope and poured, idly wishing the next day he might wise up but knowing he wouldn’t. 

On the last day Garak woke up with a weight off his chest knowing he could stop the entire process. Julian had thankfully not mentioned it again other than to give him searching looks each time he slid into his seat across from him. Garak couldn’t help but imagine Julian’s hopeful eyes every time he opened the bottle and almost wished it would work, if only so he wouldn’t have to crush the doctor’s hopes. Garak wondered if Julian would finally realize he was much too broken for anyone to fix.

Still, soon this would be over and Garak could put the vial of red liquid and the deprived dream of Julian truly being able to heal his heart far from his mind.

This thought left Garak feeling quite light as he got out of bed and went over to his wardrobe. He would be seeing Julian today at lunch so he looked for something that he knew he would look nice in. The thought made his heart skip a little beat and he cursed himself for behaving like a dim witted child. 

Garak’s entire body froze and his blood turned cold.   

His heart had skipped a beat.

Garak’s heart had been skipping beats since he was born, leaving him unsteady and alert with pain striking at any moment, yet when he rose a shaking hand up to his chest he could feel it thumping against his fingers, perhaps not strong but steady. Steadier than it had ever been.

Garak stumbled back, landing trembling on his bed. He gulped in air, lungs straining as though he had been tossed into open space, trying to steady himself even as his mind seemed disconnected from his body, whirling and tangled. Impossible, he kept thinking, impossible. His breathing became frantic as he all but clawed his heart out of his chest.

It sat in his hands thumping sluggishly and weakly but certainly steady. He tried to look closer but his hands trembled till the heart blurred pink and red and black. Garak closed his eyes and struggled to calm down, he took measured breaths, counting down and counting up again, until he felt his hands begin to steady and his mind clear.

When Garak finally opened his eyes he saw that his heart was just as disgusting as it had always been, still open and ripped, but as he looked closer he could see the hairline scars that use to be inflamed and dripping were sharp and white and, incredibly, healed.  

He traced a finger down one of the few healed scars in a trance. Impossible, his mantra continued, impossible, yet there it was.

How? Could it be that Julian- no that was impossible.

Still, his mind teased him cruelly, one impossible thing had happened today. 

He slammed his heart back in his chest, unable to keep looking at it. His body shook, trying to keep up with the miles Garak’s mind was running.  It was only then did he realize there were tears running down his face. It had been so long since he had cried he barely remembered to reach up and wipe the track from his cheeks.

His heart was healed.

His heart was healing.

He had to see the doctor.

 

\-----

 

Garak had never known a life without pain.

All he had known was the low constant aching that came with each thump, a steady reminder of the deep wound that was left there. When he thought of hearts he thought of angry gashes and exposed chambers. He was raised on pain but he never realized this was not always the case.

It wasn’t until he saw a fellow child’s heart, pure and scar less, did he realize there was a time his heart must have looked like that. It wasn’t until then did he realized he did not have to live in pain.

It was then he decided he would do whatever was necessary to make his heart as lovely and pure as he was sure it had once been. 

 

\-----

 

Julian answered the door bleary eyed and grumbling. Though his mind was disseminated and every nerve in his body screamed in need of answers, Garak couldn’t help but fixate on the beautiful sight of Julian in his sleeping clothes. He was wearing the red silk robe Garak had crafted for him months ago. The silk draped Julian’s bare skin, clinging to the outline of his shoulders, clinched at his trim waist. But his neck and collar bones, his _beautiful_ collar bones, were left exposed, sharp and brown and enough to make Garak want to scream.   

“Doctor,” Garak all but gasped, too far unraveled to even pretend he was in control. “What have you done?”

Julian’s sleep addled eyes sharpened immediately, and began to scan Garak quickly.

“Garak come in. What’s wrong?”

Julian gripped Garak’s arm as he led him into the room. The contact burned and anchored him all at once. He opened his mouth but the words twisted away from him.

“Doctor,” he repeated.

Julian’s eyes suddenly landed on Garak’s clenched hand. His face blanked before his eyes turned wide and he took a sharp breath. Garak followed his eyes to find the red vial he didn’t remember grabbing before he left his room.

“Doctor,” Garak said with a shuttering breath. “It appears your solution is working.”

It was far from what Garak wanted to say. He wanted to demand answers, interrogate him in all the terrible ways he was train to do. Demands, insults, pleads were whirling in his mind but none passed his tongue.

The face Julian was making transformed into a look of wonder.

“It’s working.” Julian said.

“My heart is healing.”

Garak swallowed a lump in his throat, trying to understand the emotions flashing over Julian’s face.

“Your heart is healing.” Julian repeated and suddenly his face broke out into a blinding grin.

He laughed joyfully and deep and Garak delighted in the sound and raged against it. How dare Julian laugh as Garak stood shaking and lost in front of him? Did he not see how he had ruined him? How his meddling has healed him only to break him in a way that was worse than anything he’s felt before.

“Oh, Garak! You love me!”

Julian laughed again before he grasped Garak’s face in his hands and pressed their lips together in a firm and deep kiss. Julian pulled away before Garak’s brain had finished processing what was happening and Garak was left staring at Julian’s beaming face. His mind had quieted and for the first time since he woke, Garak was centered on a single thought.

The red bottle dropped from Garak’s hand and shattered against the ground but it went unnoticed as he grabbed Julian by the back of the neck and pulled him back for another kiss. And another. Deeper. Longer. Julian gasped against his lips and tangled his fingers in his hair, pulling their bodies closer. Garak felt the satin of the robes slip coolly against his hands but the material couldn’t compare to the smoothness of Julian’s skin. Heat radiated off his body, sinking into Garak’s skin, lighting him up as though he was on fire. It was everything he had always dreamed of.

Garak lost himself in the exhilarating rightness of holding Julian this close, feeling as though they were slowly becoming one. Not even the pain of his heart could reach him now.

Slowly, reluctantly, Julian pulled back until they were only sharing breaths.

“You love me.” Julian whispered again, as though he couldn’t believe it.

As though Julian was the abomination who had never been loved.

“I love you.” Garak admitted for there was little he could do to deny it, he wasn’t certain he even wanted to with Julian still pressed against him, fingers hot against his neck. “And you,” he trailed off. 

Garak’s heart quivered in fear and anticipation. If he was wrong, he didn’t think his heart would survive this last wound. But there was only one way to heal a heart and even now Garak could feel it beating steadily in his chest. It was only that and the soft way Julian was gazing at him that gave him the strength to hope.

Julian swallowed, shaking his head in the same disbelieving way.

“I love you.”

Those sweet words tumbling from Julian’s lips, unwavering and true, welled emotions in his chest that were sharp as knives. He didn’t deserve this. This couldn’t be real.     

Garak chased the words with his lips, gifting soft gentle kisses that Julian smiled into. He would have to talk Julian into his senses soon, remind him that Garak would bring nothing but pain to Julian’s sweet heart, but for now he gave into his selfish desires. For a moment he would allow the illusion that he was loved.

 

\-----

 

The story goes, there was a boy whose heart was as pure as any. It was lovely and smooth, pink like satin, with delicate veins and strong arteries, and a beat like the chorus of a sacred chant. It was as perfect as a heart could be.

He was a lucky boy for his first scar did not come when he was young.

He was an unlucky boy for his first scar never came at all.

 

\-----

 

“My dear doctor,” Garak said some time later. He didn’t know how it had been since Garak showed up at Julian’s door, or how long it had been since Julian had led him to the couch and straddled his lap, but he thought it was understandable that time was the furthest thing from his mind.

“Julian,” Julian injected. “Say it.”

“My dear _Julian_ ,” Garak said savoring the taste of his name on his lips and the way Julian’s pupils dilated at the sound. “I still have several questions I insist you answer. Starting with what exactly you did with the liquid you gave me.”        

Julian’s face heated and he looked down suddenly.

“It’s rather childish,” he muttered. “You’ll find it ridiculous.”

“Seeing as it is helping my heart heal, I doubt I will.”

Julian sighed.

“There is a fable from earth about this mo-man who had a terrible heart. He fell in love but he thought the love wasn’t requited so his heart gave out. The person he fell in love with did actually love him back and when he found him dead he started to cry and tell him how much he had loved him. They say the words were caught in the tears and the love he felt healed the heart and brought him back to life.”

“You gave me your tears?” Garak said aghast.

“Oh no no,” Julian’s face turned hotter than Garak believed it could. “The tradition became if you mix some tea and herbs and whisper all the things you love about a person into it, it will help heal their heart. I never thought it would actually work, mostly because I never thought you would love me back.”

Finally, Julian met Garak’s eyes again.

“But I’m glad it did. I love you Garak.”

Garak closed his eyes and soaked in the words, cherishing them. He couldn’t let this go on any longer or the strength to stop would be buried by his own desperate desires, he would allow Julian to fool himself into loving him for as long as he could be persuaded. He couldn’t. He didn’t deserve him. He’d only hurt Julian’s precious, precious heart.           

Garak opened his eyes and closed off his expression. He buried the brightness Julian had filled him with in the darkest corner of his heart. He moved Julian from his lap, trying to ignore how cold he suddenly felt without his body molded against his. The hurt look that twisted Julian’s lovely face was almost enough to make Garak reel him back and refuse to let go. He pushed the desire down and let the familiar pain anchor him. 

“Doctor,” Garak started.

Julian put his hand up, halting the words that were on the tip of Garak’s tongue. Julian looked up at him with a hard gaze, determined enough that it mostly hid the fear swirling behind his eyes.

“There’s something I’d like to share with you,” Julian said and Garak instantly remembered saying the same thing to him.

Garak steeled himself.

Hearts were treated differently, not only by each culture but by each person. To some, to see another’s heart was something only done between family and spouses, sacred and intimate. To others, hearts were shown to the newest acquaintances, pulled out at the bar to explain a particular scar or story. Julian had seemed like the later, trusting and impulsive, eager to prove himself and let himself be known. It hadn’t escaped Garak’s notice that Julian never spoke of hearts unless another person broached the topic, and even then never commented on his own. It had puzzled Garak until he concluded Julian was just one of the romantic types, saving his heart for love. But the grave tone and steely eyes told Garak that he had made a wrong conclusion, as he often did with Julian.    

He watched Julian take a deep breath and reach into his chest and in that moment he respected Julian more than he ever had, the sure set of his shoulders, the steady hands. In a single smooth movement, Julian pulled his heart out and placed it firmly in Garak’s hands. Garak felt his breath catch in his throat at the sight of it. 

Julian’s heart was _perfect_.

It was smooth and beautiful, not a scar or bump or raise to be found. It was the loveliest heart Garak had ever seen and that was what made it so horrifying.

Garak glanced up and met Julian’s terrified gaze. He was all at once floored with how much Julian had just placed in his hands, he had placed his secrets, his life, his trust in Garak’s undeserving hands. It made his throat close up with emotion, immediately he wanted to give Julian his heart back, his secrets, his trust. These hands couldn’t be trusted with something so precious. But he knew he couldn’t, he wouldn’t, he was much too selfish to do that.  

Garak smiled softly.

“Why, I believe your heart is the only one more disgusting than my own.”

 Julian choked out a bitter laugh.

 “That’s the same thing I thought when I saw yours.”

Garak grinned wider and raised his heart up to his lips. He pressed a soft, lingering kiss to the disturbingly beautiful heart, it was smooth against his lips, and thumped strong and evenly. Garak lifted his head and leaned forward.   

He slipped Julian’s heart gently back in his chest before sliding his hands up to cup Julian’s face. There was relief welling in his eyes, heart breaking and desperate relief that made Garak want to end anyone who would harm his Julian and his disgusting heart. Julian leaned into Garak’s palm.

“My dear, you are a sneaky one. You rebut my argument before I even manage to give it. Too think, I’d never have to worry about hurting your lovely heart.”

 “That’s true but I don’t think you understand Garak,” Julian said laying his hand over Garak’s. “If there was a single scar on my heart, I’d want it to be yours.”

Garak was so overcome, he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Julian’s. Garak, perhaps more than anyone else, knew the implications of a scar. They were terrible, painful and constant, but they were reminders. One never forgot the person who so carelessly left it there, not when it ached with every pump. Even amidst the conglomerate of pain Garak felt, he could pick out each and every scar and remember who it was that gave it to him. To do that to lovely painless Julian seemed unforgivable.   

“You’re much too good for me. With breath in my lungs, your heart is safe,” Garak murmured softly.

It was an old line, one that had fading popularity in Cardassia as it held no relation to the importance of the State, but the way Julian’s breath hitched showed he had made the right choice. It was a sentimental line, with just enough ominous implication that Cardassians preferred.  It acknowledged the fact Garak now had the power to hurt Julian if he so choose to, but it paled in the promise that he would never do so. Garak would love Julian till his last breath and it was only his death that would leave a mark on Julian’s heart, if it even could. It was a promise of eternal love. A promise a Cardassian made only once. 

Julian tilted his head, running his hand over the line of Garak’s jaw to the back of his neck, and pressed a feather light kiss against his lips, no different than the one Garak had given Julian’s heart.

It was too much but Garak thought he'd be quite happy with too much.

 

\-----

 

It’s an old story but it goes like this.

There once was a monster. But this monster was once a man and though his heart beat poison and reeked of dying flesh he still yearned for what all men do: to be whole.

The monster knew what he needed to fix his heart but he had long stopped believing he would find it. So the monster locked his heart away, practiced a smile, and suffered.

The monster met a man who was more lovely and beautiful than all the stars in the sky and jewels in the earth. The man was kind to the monster in a way he had never experience even when he was still a man and the monster made the same mistake he had made many times before: he began to care. And though the monster had hidden his heart for so many years he found himself falling deeply in love with the man. The monster realized he had never given up his hope that his heart would be fixed but the monster was not a man and no man would ever love a monster. This man could not give him what he needed.

It was this last love, stronger than any he had ever felt before, that took the poor monster’s heart and killed it.

The man found the monster and at the sight of his heart, lying still and dead on his chest, he began to weep. He knelt by the monster and cradled the ghastly heart in his hands. The monster had been wrong. The man could give him what he needed, but he only did so too late.

The man whispered to the heart every bit of love he had for the monster and as he whispered the words were caught in his tears. As his tears dripped onto the monster’s heart, slowly it began to stutter back to life. The man was too racked with grief to see the holes start to mend and the blood start to thin and the scars start to heal. It was only when the heart let out a strong and mighty thump did the man look up and see his monster was not dead at all.

The monster awoke to see his heart in the man’s hands and at the sight he began to weep. It was not pretty, nor was it lovely, still covered with scars and signs of wear but it was all he had ever wished for it to be.

It was whole.

 

 


End file.
